Why We Attract Toxic People and Why It’s Not Our Fault
Why We Attracted Toxic People Before Our Diagnosis — And Why It Was Never Our Fault And How You Can Change That
If you were diagnosed with ADHD, autism, or both later in life, you've probably had this moment:
You look back at your relationship history — the friends who drained you, the partners who manipulated you, the "mentors" who took advantage, the online connections that turned out to be scams — and you think:
"Why did I let them in? Why didn't I see it? What was wrong with me?"
Nothing was wrong with you.
You were being hunted — and you didn't even know you were wearing a target.
---
The Question That Changed Everything
I asked myself that question for years. I had been in abusive relationships with narcissistic personalities more than once — like I had a neon sign pointing at me. But when I started getting targeted online, I realized this wasn't about individual bad luck.
It was a pattern.
And when I finally received my ADHD diagnosis in my thirties, everything clicked into place. The hyperfocus. The impulsivity. The way I connected quickly and deeply. The way I carried other people's pain like it was my own.
The diagnosis didn't just explain my quirks — it explained why I had been a target my entire life.
---
The Hidden Profile Predators Look For
In my book The Trust Trap, I break down exactly why neurodivergent empaths are disproportionately targeted by manipulators, scammers, and toxic personalities. It's not because we're weak or foolish. It's because we possess a cluster of traits that predators actively look for — and they are very good at finding us.
Here's the uncomfortable truth:
Predators don't pick randomly. They select.
And before you knew you were neurodivergent, you were broadcasting signals you didn't even know you were sending.
---
1. You Trusted Fast — Because You Connected Fast
Neurodivergent people often bypass the slow, cautious trust-building that neurotypical people do naturally. We feel a bond before we have evidence to support it. We assume others operate with the same sincerity we do.
This is beautiful in healthy relationships. In predatory ones, it's the door they walk through.
When someone new gives us attention and validation, we don't question it — we embrace it. We've spent so much of our lives feeling misunderstood that when someone finally "gets" us, we want to hold onto that feeling. A predator knows this. They rush intimacy precisely because they know we'll welcome it.
To a predator, your speed is an invitation.
---
2. You Doubted Yourself — Because You'd Been Gaslit Your Whole Life
Before diagnosis, you were probably told some version of these things:
· "You're too sensitive."
· "You're overreacting."
· "That didn't happen."
· "You're imagining things."
· "Why can't you just let it go?"
When you hear that message enough times — from parents, teachers, partners, even well-meaning friends — you internalize it. You learn to distrust your own perceptions.
So when a toxic person did something that felt wrong, you told yourself: "Maybe I'm overthinking it. Maybe I'm the problem."
That self-doubt is a predator's best friend. It's the reason they get away with things for so long — because we're already primed to dismiss our own instincts.
---
3. You Craved Being Seen — Because You'd Felt Invisible
Many late-diagnosed people spent decades feeling like they didn't quite fit. Like everyone else got a manual for life that they missed.
Maybe you were the "weird kid." Maybe you were told you were "too much" or "not enough." Maybe you learned to mask so thoroughly that you weren't even sure who you really were anymore.
When someone came along who seemed to truly see you — who validated your quirks, mirrored your values, made you feel less alone — it was intoxicating.
That feeling wasn't fate. It was a technique.
Predators mirror. They find out what you care about and they become a person who cares about exactly the same things. They find out what you've been missing and they become that missing piece. It's called "love bombing" and it's one of the most powerful manipulation tools in their arsenal — exactly as I describe in Chapter 3 of The Trust Trap.
---
4. Your Empathy Became a Leash
If you're an empath — and many neurodivergent people are — you feel other people's pain like it's your own. You can walk into a room and immediately sense what everyone in it is feeling. You carry emotional weight that isn't yours.
Toxic people learn to manufacture vulnerability. They tell you hardship stories. They paint themselves as victims. They make you feel like you're the only one who can help them.
Your kindness becomes the very thing they use to control you.
They know you won't say no to someone in pain. They know you'll give again and again, hoping to fix something that was never yours to fix. And they know that if they frame their request as a crisis, you'll respond before you even think to question it.
---
5. You Stayed Too Long — Because Leaving Felt Like Failure
Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) is common in ADHD and autism. It means the fear of rejection isn't just uncomfortable — it can feel physically and emotionally catastrophic.
So when a toxic relationship started to go bad, you didn't leave. You tried harder. You gave more. You bent yourself into shapes that weren't you — all to avoid the pain of being abandoned or the shame of "giving up."
You told yourself: "If I just try harder, they'll change. If I just love them enough, they'll heal."
By the time you realized what was happening, you had already given them your time, your energy, your money, and sometimes everything else.
And the worst part? You blamed yourself.
---
Here's What Changed After Diagnosis
When I got my ADHD diagnosis, something shifted.
Not because I suddenly became immune to manipulation — but because I finally had language for what had happened to me.
I learned that my fast trust was a trait, not a flaw. It was how my neurodivergent brain was wired — and in healthy relationships, it was a gift.
I learned that my self-doubt had been installed by years of being dismissed and invalidated. It wasn't a sign that I was broken. It was a survival mechanism that I no longer needed.
I learned that the people who "understood me perfectly" right away were often running a script. Real connection takes time to build. Manufactured connection happens overnight.
And most importantly — I learned that the shame belonged to them, not to me.
---
Why the Internet Made This Worse
The internet removed all the natural friction that used to slow these dynamics down. You can't see body language. You can't read a room. Time and distance compress — what might have taken months to build in person can happen in days online.
And the internet gave predators tools our grandparents never had to defend against: fake profiles with stolen photos, AI-generated voices, rehearsed scripts tested on thousands of targets, entire operations run out of buildings where teams of people are paid to manipulate victims simultaneously.
You were not designed for this. None of us were.
But neurodivergent empaths face a steeper hill than most — because our natural gifts are the exact things being weaponized against us.
---
How to Protect Yourself Without Closing Your Heart
Here's the thing I want you to understand:
Protection is not the same as isolation.
You don't have to stop being open, loving, or trusting. You just need to slow down long enough to let reality catch up with your feelings.
Here are four steps to start with:
1. Recognize the Pattern
Once you know the predator playbook — the selection, the mirroring, the love bombing, the isolation, the ask — you cannot unsee it. Chapter 3 of The Trust Trap breaks down this six-stage sequence in detail so you can spot it before it's too late.
2. Pause Before You Post
Before you share something vulnerable online, ask yourself: What does this tell a stranger about me right now? You don't have to stop sharing — but you do need to be intentional about who your audience is.
3. Slow Down New Connections
When a relationship feels intense unusually fast, introduce a delay. Wait 48 hours before responding to a major move. Tell the other person you need time to think. A real person will respect this. Someone running a script will push back or manufacture urgency.
4. Run a Simple Check
Reverse image search their profile photos. Search their name across multiple platforms. If their digital footprint is thin or their story doesn't add up, that's information. Trust it.
---
Why I Wrote The Trust Trap
I wrote this book because I needed it to exist.
Because when I was in the middle of my own encounters with predators — before I understood my neurodivergence — I didn't have a guide written by someone who knew what it felt like.
I wrote it for the person who:
· Has been targeted more than once and wonders why
· Feels foolish for trusting someone they shouldn't have
· Wants to stay open-hearted without being victimized
This book is not about fear. It's about freedom.
Freedom to connect, to feel, to love openly — while carrying enough knowledge to recognize a predator before they can do their damage.
---
What You'll Learn Inside The Trust Trap
· Why neurodivergent empaths are targeted — and how to recognize the profile that predators look for
· The predator's playbook — the six-stage sequence they use, so you can spot it before it's too late
· The oversharing trap — what we give away without knowing it, and how to stop
· The Investigation Method — a simple four-step system to vet anyone before you trust them
· True stories — real cases that show the warning signs in real time, including my own
---
If You've Ever Asked "Why Me?" — This Book Is For You
You are not broken for having trusted.
You are not foolish for having felt deeply.
You are exactly who you were made to be — and that is worth protecting.
The shame belongs to them. Not ever to you.
---
Ready to Protect Your Peace Without Closing Your Heart?
Get your copy of The Trust Trap here: [Insert Your Link]